tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3313009931298256746.post2019589100756057737..comments2024-02-25T07:27:59.560-07:00Comments on Nourished and Nurtured: Thinking Beyond Time-Out and SpankingSarah Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01348347054374584427noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3313009931298256746.post-46187830571590126772012-04-02T07:34:33.022-06:002012-04-02T07:34:33.022-06:00Yay, great!Yay, great!Sarah Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01348347054374584427noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3313009931298256746.post-60453952417587961362012-04-02T03:34:32.072-06:002012-04-02T03:34:32.072-06:00Synchronised eating seems to be a hit; thanks!Synchronised eating seems to be a hit; thanks!Laurenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10703308019856972175noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3313009931298256746.post-85394156088098582712012-03-30T03:43:56.582-06:002012-03-30T03:43:56.582-06:00I do help her body (after a polite request, direct...I do help her body (after a polite request, direct request, and command) but never called it that - I like it! The letter writing is a new one to me but makes sense, and probably also some valuable keepsakes. We don't schedule special time but I'm mindful of getting some in whenever possible and certainly if there's been some acting out. I'm hoping warnings will become more effective as her sense of time develops :/<br /><br />Just to add to your insights here, the authors of Baby Hearts point out that knowing what is age-appropriate for your child is highly protective against physical violence to the child. Parents who expect adult reasoning behind toddler behaviour are apt to overreact.Laurenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10703308019856972175noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3313009931298256746.post-91072711832881693302012-03-30T03:30:26.259-06:002012-03-30T03:30:26.259-06:00Thanks for those tactics - we'll try a few out...Thanks for those tactics - we'll try a few out. You're right that it's not about force feeding. When she concentrates she eats like a horse, but when she's fiddle-faddling we inevitably have scenes of tears because she's hungry ("for a cookie") 5 minutes after bedtime or some other inappropriate time. I really struggle with this because we want meal times to be social but the focus on getting her to eat ruins the conversation (and I'm mindful of Nicole's point about scolding reinforcing unwanted behaviour), I don't want her to suppress her hunger cues because I say she should eat, but I'm also not a restaurant! She's offered good, varied food on a regular schedule; when is too young to say 'next meal is breakfast'? The feeding thing is a point too: I complained to a friend about having to feed my 3 year old and she said she's been known to feed her EIGHT year old for the same reason! I'm not up for that.<br /><br />I just read a post (http://alisongolden.com/parenting-child-dog-training) wherein the blogger was uncomfortable to find that a technique similar to time-out which she had successfully used with her twin pre-teens was also common with puppy trainers. Controversial associations aside, the idea is to give the child a moment to regroup by having them stand beside you for a moment without interaction, possibly with a hand on the shoulder, until they've got themselves back under control enough to rejoin the fray. This is of course only appropriate for children old enough to know what is expected of them (as you said, expectations can be reiterated immediately before entering the situation) and able to bring their own emotions under control. Small children have to be coached to that point, as it's not an inherent skill. Anyone who's travelled outside of their home language and culture can tell you how easy it is to act inappropriately without a cultural guide to translate situations for you and a safe space in which to catch your breath; children are newcomers to (the many layers of) our culture, we invited them here. How unfair is it to let them sink or swim?Laurenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10703308019856972175noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3313009931298256746.post-28436621722928632762012-03-29T15:40:02.259-06:002012-03-29T15:40:02.259-06:00We focus on the need of the child instead of the u...We focus on the need of the child instead of the unwanted behavior. If my children are acting out they need something, whether it be quality time, food, a nap, a snuggle or hug.Megan @ Purple Dancing Dahliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09589793024632933098noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3313009931298256746.post-7508076568438454752012-03-29T12:16:27.014-06:002012-03-29T12:16:27.014-06:00I barely recognize Ian in that picture, he has gro...I barely recognize Ian in that picture, he has grown up so much!<br /><br />For me I have noticed that what works sometimes won't work others. Clark hated time out for a while and it was very effective... but all of the sudden he didn't mind it at all so we had to change what we did. We also reward good behavior with being able to play with things they don't have full access to (things like board games, sidewalk chalk, legos, etc.)<br /><br />I'm glad you mention setting clear expectations, it's one thing I forget to do often. I always have to remind myself that they can't read my mind.Tom and Julihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15930077783726649917noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3313009931298256746.post-78647379546926315742012-03-29T06:08:20.447-06:002012-03-29T06:08:20.447-06:00Lauren, my daughter is a slow eater too. Her 2-ye...Lauren, my daughter is a slow eater too. Her 2-year-old brother eats so much faster! Over the years, we've tried different things, and we still need to change things up every so often. Some things that have worked for us:<br />-food race - we will race to see who gets done eating first<br />-synchronized eating - we will make a big deal out of all taking bites at the same time<br />-lots of praise on the rare occasions when she finishes a meal quickly<br />-leaving her at the table - if she is not making an effort to eat, and the rest of us finish our food, then she is left at the table by herself. Okay, we do this, but it totally doesn't work very well sometimes, and other times it does (especially if the rest of us start doing something she really wants to participate in)<br />-making her wash her own dishes is she takes too long<br />-occasionally, we read a book at the table. I'll say "take a bite" every so often, and she will so that I'll keep reading<br />-feeding her - my daughter still loves for us to feed her (meanwhile her baby bro is sometimes fiercely independent and will even dump off any food we put on his spoon)<br />-this for that - she is much more likely to eat everything with no problems if she can alternate between taking a bite of dinner and a bite of something she really likes such as blueberries, raisins, chips, etc<br /><br />Just hang in there, it does get better over time! And for those of you reading this and thinking we are putting too much emphasis on finishing the meal and force feeding too much, all I can say is that you must not have a very slow eater! This has been a huge issue for us over the years. We've tried letting her eat as much as she wants (and she ends up eating hardly anything at all which I am not comfortable with considering she is very low weight at less than 30 pounds at age 5). And we make sure her portion sizes are not very big (she and her baby bro get the same amount of food to eat, and he will often eat seconds).Sarah Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01348347054374584427noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3313009931298256746.post-84733671558546919652012-03-29T05:52:44.065-06:002012-03-29T05:52:44.065-06:00This is a great suggestion. We do sometimes do po...This is a great suggestion. We do sometimes do positive things instead, but strangely my daughter asks to write the negative ones instead (I think because usually the sentences are shorter). I often let he help me choose what to write.Sarah Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01348347054374584427noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3313009931298256746.post-90000885197386387572012-03-29T05:51:18.667-06:002012-03-29T05:51:18.667-06:00Thanks for sharing these great ideas! They are al...Thanks for sharing these great ideas! They are all great!Sarah Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01348347054374584427noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3313009931298256746.post-66213778419583413612012-03-29T05:49:44.585-06:002012-03-29T05:49:44.585-06:00I've read random parenting books over the year...I've read random parenting books over the years. Whenever I start to feel at a loss for what to do, I think it is great to read new things and get some new ideas.Sarah Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01348347054374584427noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3313009931298256746.post-33549583873209178862012-03-29T05:11:19.744-06:002012-03-29T05:11:19.744-06:00I'm late and not thinking clearly but I want t...I'm late and not thinking clearly but I want to come back to this post and its comments later to review. I am on the same page as you are with child-appropriate measures and the need to guide a child into the "responsible, respectful, and compassionate people" we hope them to become. <br />Of particular interest is the slow eating issue. This sends me into the red zone! We got a countdown clock with a red area that gets smaller as her time runs out, but my daughter will always take all the time given PLUS 3 MINUTES to eat her food, regardless of the portion. I don't want to get into bartering with dessert but on the occasions we have it has not made much difference. Any one else have this problem, or a solution? Most fora suggest we should let the child take as long as they want, but she's playing with food, not savouring every bite!Laurenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10703308019856972175noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3313009931298256746.post-5158236613332278102012-03-29T04:07:26.076-06:002012-03-29T04:07:26.076-06:00I like your idea on writing lines, but perhaps lin...I like your idea on writing lines, but perhaps lines written in a more positive way, ie: instead of "I will not whine" maybe "I always ask nicely for what I want" then it takes the focus off the unwanted behavior and puts focus on what is wanted. I have noticed with my 3yr old daughter that if I put emphasis on what I want her to do, ie "please draw on paper" rather than "stop drawing on the walls" she seems to respond more favourably.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3313009931298256746.post-55868608420776168632012-03-28T20:39:33.774-06:002012-03-28T20:39:33.774-06:00I learned all about discipline from our daughter&#...I learned all about discipline from our daughter's beloved preschool, School for Young Children. They taught me and my husband so much about child development. I think the most important thing is that discipline is an evolving concept that changes as our children grow. Some of the things we used:<br /><br />Helping one's body: We started this as young as 2. If a child isn't participating then the adult "helps" them. If our daughter didn't want to put away toys after we said it was time (5 min warning) then we would tell her we were going to help her body. And we would secure her body and use her hand to put toys away. After doing this a couple of times, usually she would cooperate. Eventually all we would have to say is "do I need to help your body?" and she would comply. <br /><br />Writing a letter: If our daughter was really sad or mad we would ask if she wanted us to write a letter. If she wanted that then she would dictate what she wanted to say. All her words, not ours. Then we would read it back, make sure she was finished, see if she wanted to draw a picture. This really helped her put words to her emotions and process the feelings. This was also a great technique for visiting children who were missing parents and we taught it to whomever was babysitting. I think when they see you paying attention to their words they feel listened to, which I think is important. <br /><br />Special Time: This can be a 15 min block where you have one-on-one time with your child. They get to choose what they want to do with you and you give them your full, undivided attention. <br /><br />Warnings: 5 minutes, 2 minute warnings are great. "I see that you are still playing, we need to leave in 5 minutes." Even if my daughter wasn't ready to leave, I felt like I wasn't surprising her. <br /><br />Age Appropriate Rules: I remember the most radical thing that I learned at my daughter's preschool was that 2 year olds don't understand the concept of sharing. (They don't even truly understand rules until 4). If you take an object away from a 2 year old they don't understand and will cry for its return. We adopted the school's rule of "a 2-yr old child can play with a toy as long as they want to-they don't have to share. If they discard it then it fair game." A child never had to share a really special toy ever. An older child could barter a toy exchange (especially if it was their toy) and also they could ask to be on a list to play with the toy next. When we understood where our daughter was developmentally we could adjust the boundaries.<br /><br />The biggest lesson for me in discipline was to be present for my child. When I physically knelt down to her level it gave me a new perspective on what she sees. And I realized that discipline is part of her education. <br /><br />Thanks for this post, it was thought-provoking and I wish I would have had this kind of blog conversation when my daughter was younger.Brookenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3313009931298256746.post-13972854578452875322012-03-28T14:08:25.783-06:002012-03-28T14:08:25.783-06:00It sounds like our daughters are similar. I never...It sounds like our daughters are similar. I never considered spanking, but even if I had, I think she would be scarred for life by a single spank. We use time out, and the other techniques you listed, and she has responded quite well to it. Prior to becoming a nurse, I earned a BA in psychology and one of my specialties was behavior modification therapy for children. The techniques you are using with your children are among the most effective forms of behavior modification. All of these techniques provide the child with positive learning experiences and allow them to build self-confidence by making good decisions. Whereas, punishment, especially spanking, would subject them to emotional harm and shame without necessarily teaching them desirable behavior. Furthermore, parents need to remember that scolding actually can serve as a reinforcer with many children. If a child only gets attention via scoldings when they are misbehaving, then they will be more likely to misbehave in the future--at a certain point, any parental attention is good attention to a child with busy parents. Did you read a book on behavioral techniques? I am impressed. Keep up the good work!Nicolehttp://www.non-toxicnurse.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3313009931298256746.post-33109706711690371222012-03-28T13:32:52.267-06:002012-03-28T13:32:52.267-06:00I appreciate these suggestions. Sometimes I feel s...I appreciate these suggestions. Sometimes I feel so bad that our first has to be a guinea pig but then I remember each child is different, so whatever we find might work with her may not work on her younger brother. I, too, have found that setting expectations really helps, and trying to stay calm about the misbehavior at hand (it's the behavior, not her), helps me stay in check. She's a little bit of a pistol at times so it can be easy to go crazy in your head about the things she does, but having a plan for both her and me really helps me not lose it.<br />Timeouts have not worked with her either. I think I might try the consequences that fit the behavior (dawdling means less time getting to do something you like). We've finally figured out that we can help her tantrums come to an end when we correctly identify what's really upsetting her (you've posted this before in regards to Happiest Toddler on the Block), i.e., "You're upset because ____ and you wish you could ____." Once we identify it, she tends to calm down because she finally feels understood. Before she was very verbal, it was sooo difficult to have these breakthroughs with her. <br />Also, same thing has happened since her baby bro was born -- maybe scolding her too much and not recognizing the good things very well. Consciously trying to do better about that and being specific. "You did ___ so well! I really like how you put them in the right spot." <br />Thanks for sharing what's worked. I find it really helpful!Meganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10232747020568969514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3313009931298256746.post-68143827118075923242012-03-28T08:45:23.611-06:002012-03-28T08:45:23.611-06:00I honestly do not understand the need for punishme...I honestly do not understand the need for punishment which ever form it takes. I do not punish my partner for doing something wrong, or that i do not like, i talk to him, as i do with my kids, rhey deserve the same kind of respect i give any other human being. they are no less worthy.Nothing to see herehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11351854816459490040noreply@blogger.com